Every person walks into a new relationship with a certain set of expectations for how the relationship should look and even how the other person should act. In fact, researchers and mental health professionals have concluded that our expectations for romantic relationships can be influenced by our family, personal experiences in previous romantic interactions or even the media. In fact, it is difficult to begin a new relationship without having expectations; what is important to keep in mind is setting healthy expectations apart from problematic expectancies in a committed relationship.

Dr. Suzanne Fremont (Building a Healthy Relationship from the Start, The University of Texas at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center) mentions 6 distinguishing factors between healthy and problematic expectations which can be helpful for couples who are trying to better nourish and develop their relationship.

· Maintain the Relationship. Like any type of equipment purchased, relationships also need regular maintenance and balancing. Yes, things might be peachy keen in the beginning (after all it isn’t called the honeymoon stage for nothing) however relationships take work, healthy compromises and expectations. One of the worst things a couple can do is become stagnant in the relationship and not change with the times. I am not talking about big maintenances, instead little ones that help to sustain happiness and growth. Just as my mother used to tell me ‘it is the little things that should matter, something small that he does that just makes life a little easier and brighter.’

· Accept Differences. This is a big one for most- if not all of us. No two people are alike and neither are their opinions, beliefs and values. However, there are some couples who come to expect that their partner will change only in the particular ways in which they want them to change (i.e. being more clean, eating more healthy, being less/more social, wanting to do yoga because you like it). On the other side of the spectrum, other couples may hold the unhealthy expectation that their significant other may never change from the exact person they are when the relationship is ignited. Obviously, neither of those expectations are healthy for any relationship, much less one that is in its beginning stages. A more realistic expectation would be to accept the differences in each of you and learn to grow and change together.

· Respect Your Partner's Rights. Dr. Suzanne Fremont states that ‘in healthy relationships, there is respect for each partner's right to have her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions.’ People who believe that their partner should have the same interests, beliefs or even types of friends is simply unrealistic and damaging for any bond between two people.

· Respect Changes. As mentioned before, changes occur and are expected in any type of relationship; that is what people do, they grow and change. It is important to start a new relationship while keeping change and growth in mind; professional/personal goals, opinions wants and even feelings of love and intimacy will change with time. Coming from a mutual place of love and respect is most needed when dealing with changes in the relationship.

· Be Prepared to "Fight Fair." People are not programmed to get along 100% of the time; disagreements and differences in opinions are healthy for relationships to develop and grow. However, there is a difference between fighting and ‘fighting fare.’ Couples who argue in a negative manner tend to point blame to the other person instead of admitting when they did something wrong and owning up to their own responsibilities. Seeking healthy compromise and being able to admit fault when needed is part of ‘fighting fair’ and managing healthy expectations in the relationship.

· Express Wants and Needs. Unless you are a mind reader, communication is key during any stage of a relationship. Verbally expressing your wants and needs are vital survival skills for partnerships, after all we are social beings. Expressing your wants and needs is key to maintaining healthy expectations for yourself as well as for your partner.

Until next time--take care of yourself, take care of your mind.

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Amanda Burk, MA, LPC-Intern, LMFT-A

Supervised By: Tammy Fischer, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S

“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” – Buddha

If there is one fact in life, it is that there will always be change -- it is unavoidable. One of the most vital traits of a relationship which endure changes is the ability to adapt and mature. For example, couples who are more rigid in their way of thinking are more than likely going to not be as successful at overcoming change. There are important things which one should pay attention to as a relationship matures and grows. Being flexible and open to healthy change is essential for a relationship to endure and stand the test of time. I tend to tell the couples I counsel that relationships change and so do we as individuals. With that being said it is important to change and grow in a healthy and fair manner.

To help achieve healthy growth, it is important to consider how changes outside the partnership will ultimately influence the needs and wants from the partnership itself. For example, a newlywed couple will more than likely be faced with different challenges and stress than a couple who has been together for 20 years. What is important to keep in mind is our attitude about life’s inevitable changes; people move on, grow and experience a life which they will ultimately leave.

As a couple, being mindful and progressive about life’s up and downs will only make you both more resilient and also help to move the relationship forward. According to Dr. Suzanne Fremont, facing change as an opportunity to grow as opposed to something which we need to avoid is a healthy tip (Building a Healthy Relationship From the Start, The University of Texas at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center). Our frame of thinking will ultimately influence how we tackle (an hopefully accomplish) the hardships of everyday life.

Another aspect of healthy growth as a partnership is checking in with the other from time to time; taking time to discuss both the daily changes as well as the larger life changes is a good time for a couple to reconnect and affirm their partnership as a unit. Dr. Suzanne Fremont states that life changes may also mean an adjustment to life goals and expectations. For example, a couple might need to sit down and discuss life goals for big events such as getting a new job, moving, the death of a loved one, children as well as other major life occurrences. Furthermore, open communication about major life events and changes is an essential component for a couple to be able to make it through life’s ups and downs. Additionally, the longer the couple goes with not talking about the elephant in the room the more likely their relationship is to be negatively impacted by change. As hard as it may be at times, it is important for couples to be open and honest about how they are willing to face challenges and change. Growing as a partnership involves being adaptable, fair and willing to compromise and grow as both an individual and a unit.

Until next time--take care of yourself, take care of your mind.

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Amanda Burk, MA, LPC-Intern, LMFT-A

Supervised By: Tammy Fischer, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S

“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” – Buddha